Comanche Ass

We've watched 2 of the 3 episodes of the prequel to "Lonesome Dove," and so far, it's done little more than remind us that women were mostly just property or whores. Who doesn't love more stories like that!?

Though if we were lucky to marry rich or come from money, we could avoid whoring and become slutty bitches or run our daddy's dry goods shop.

And if you were lucky enough to be a Comanche woman, you had the job of beating the captives, but that's all we've learned so far about their majestic role in Comanche life.

The male characters aren't much better, except Val Kilmer's Scull. Kilmer plays crazy really well, and he's funny. Even with a bit of a belly, he's still kinda hot. It's that sparkle in his eye.

But the other boys love the life of "rangerin" and caint imagine doin nuthin else. Except "poke" women and avoid any real responsibility on the home front. Sounds fun - for boys.

The whore with the heart of gold (seriously) gets preggy and knows the father is Ranger Woodrow, who doesn't intend to marry her and doesn't believe it's his child. Like somehow he's absolved from any responsibility, even though he's been sleeping with her but gettin it for free.

Steve Zahn's character is funny and seems smart, until he's poking Scull's wife. He claims to love the sweet shop girl Clara and wants to marry her, but when Scull's wife - the slutty bitch - tells him Clara *may* have married his rival, his pants fly right off, and why wouldn't they?

Why would he doubt a scheming nympho who practices her shooting by firing at fine china thrown off the balcony? Of course, the moment you think your true love might have gone off with another, forget about finding out the truth - just sleep with the first woman you see - that's always the right move.

Then the Comanches raid the town and rape all the women they find. When a Ranger comes home to find his wife has survived being shot with arrows but is now "ruined," he hangs himself - but that's after he asks her to help him off with his boots. Because, you know, he's had a hard day of rangerin.

I had the same issues with Deadwood, but after a few episodes, the women in the story became strong, deep characters and whatever they were - whores, aristocrats, drunks or loving wives- was just part of their complex characters. They were as involved in the story as the men and weren't left sitting on a porch pining for their rangers saying simple things like, "It's hard..." while looking wistfully into the dusty road.

The silliest thing by far was the blue & gold macaw that came flying out of nowhere to scare a bad guy off a high cliff making him fall to his death. Not a whole lotta tropical forests in those parts, but it's always fun to see a parrot in a movie, right? None of that crap made any sense at all.

Go ahead and write a fun cowboy movie, but christ, leave the women out of it if this is the best you can do by us. "It's hard..."