Sorry God


Hi God, you imaginary prankster, you. Just wanted to say sorry to you and your witnesses of Jehova (that's Jumpin Jehosaphat's cousin, right?).

I'm sure your witnesses are fine fellows, but I had to take care of important business in the bathroom. As my Nana used to say, "I had to see a man about a dog."

Imagine my surprise when on my way to the bathroom the doorbell rang not once, but TWICE. TWICE means someone very important is at the door, like the UPS man or a bedraggled Canada Postman with a package requiring signature - something I really want and can't wait to open.

Imagine my disappointment when I opened the door to your spokespeople who wanted to hand me cheerful-looking pamphlets sporting bright sunshiney flowers. You're going to have to do better than bright sunshiney flowers.

I'm looking for boxes of cookies, coffee, doughnuts, kittens, shoes, or even Avon products. Flowers aren't gonna cut it.

Hand me a box of kittens or doughnuts and I'll listen to your folks prattle on about anything as long as that box stays full. If a kitten or doughnut jumps out, you'd better have another one to take its place.

With a curt but cheerful "No thank you! Good day!" I shut and locked the door and made tracks to the loo. When I came out, a forlorn El Gato Retardo was sitting by the front door. I'd just shooed away his people.

Just like JWs, Ninja believes Armageddon is near - every morning and afternoon just before feeding time. He also will not celebrate his birthday. Because he is a big dumb cat and does not know his birthday.

Anyway, sorry for shutting down your peeps and carrying on with my day. Got lots to do - building a giant cross in the back yard, snorting coke, aborting fetuses and making all the family decisions. As you can see, I don't have time for chatting on the porch. Give my love to Jesus.