No More Inside Voice

What is with kids these days? Also, GET OFF MY LAWN!

Seriously - the screaming. Enough. You want to play outside and scream bloody murder? OK - here's your bloody murder - happy to oblige.

We are *surrounded* by screaming kids on all sides. Across the street, both next door neighbors and the neighbors behind us. All. Have. Screaming. Fugging. Kids.

It's not a fun, gleeful scream of joy - it's balls out screaming like their heads are on fire and their tiny hands are exploding in front of their eyes. I'm currently shopping for a high-powered tranquilizer rifle if you know where I can find one.

I remember when I was little and played outside. There was no screaming unless my brother Peter was stabbing me in the eye with a red hot poker, which only happened a few times.

When my brothers and I played together, the only screaming was from our mother if we were getting too close to the flowers or about to break a window.

Even when rocketing down the incredibly safe Slip 'n Slide®, hurtling straight into a hedge of sharp juniper bushes, there was no screaming. Crying maybe, but no screaming.

When my brother fell backward & broke his wrist, there was no screaming. When he slammed his knee into a sprinkler head and split it wide open, there was no screaming. When he fell head-first out of the pine tree and onto the driveway, there was no screaming.

So, it would seem, kids today are total pussies that have no imagination and so little intelligence, all they can do to express themselves is scream. What a joy they must be to live with.