It's the Hormones, Stupid!

Where do I start? I know, you don't care. You're not in my brain, mucking around in the bog that has become my thought swamp.

The Universe is being a tricky bitch again, with work, life, my lady parts.

I think I've officially started pre-menopause and let me tell you, it's pretty fucking annoying. The night sweats, sudden intolerance for even mildly warm days (after a life-long love of hot weather), erratic periods, heart palpitations, bitchiness, itchiness and brain fog. Some days I don't feel fully awake until 2 or 3 p.m.

Let me clarify - the itchiness isn't in my lady parts - it's occasional, random skin itchiness. The unsettled-ness within is radiating out to my skin. And now I have a nose hair that seems to be growing from up behind my cheekbone with the idea that it can reach my upper lip.

Not sure what sort of biological process excessively long nose hair serves. Is this a quick visual warning to potential mates that whatever eggs I have left are all a little long in the tooth and growing their own hair? That might explain the chin whiskers.

Even though my reproductive capabilities are winding down, they still kick me in the gut, somewhat literally. Lefty is still firing, using defective, putrid cysts for ye olde egg launches. The stupid thing bursts and pain radiates throughout my lower abdomen, hurting the most wherever the disgusting cyst fluid settles.

I don't mean a mildly uncomfortable Mittelschmerz that can feel like a cute little pinch. This is more like what being stabbed in the nads by a white hot poker might feel like. Or like walking around with shards of glass inside you. Peeing is great fun - feels OK at first, then come the sharp shooting pains as my bladder collapses back into the radioactive pool. The other night it was so bad I almost barfed. Now I know what that's like, so there's that.

While it's weird to be on the cusp of waving goodbye to Aunt Flo forever, I'm not going to miss this bullshit. Maybe she's just as flummoxed as I am about getting old and becoming irrelevant, but I'm not taking it out on her abdomen with a claw hammer. She really needs to chill out, pack her shit and go.

As I navigate my wondrous womanly adventure, David has embarked upon a Paleo path. This from a man whose main food groups were pizza, bread, bread, and pizza. He used to look upon anything green as alien and sinister. Now he puts spinach in not just his smoothies - yes, smoothies - he also eats it raw in salads. He used to pantomime puking if I ever suggested we have spinach.

He also got a FitBit.

He likes to randomly appear in my office, the kitchen or the hallway and tell me how many steps he's walked today and how much weight he's lost in the last five minutes. I'm overjoyed to hear it, having been Paleo-ish and much more active for several months while my weight holds fast at About The Same. This is what makes me go to Jim's and wolf down a Belgian waffle. My body is doing its own thing right now and I just have to relax and let it go.

Although, in the last few weeks, the Paleo approach does seem to be working (according to the scale & fat calipers this past weekend). It's amazing how easy it is. You eat natural foods in whatever quantity you want when you're hungry, move a little more every day, and that's it. No calorie counting, no measuring or portion policing, and no hour-long workouts every day (or any day). I still have a few grains now & then, but overall it couldn't be simpler. Maybe now I can replace my encyclopedic knowledge of macro nutrients and calories with something useful, like movie quotes.

Then there's the work fun. Both my computers crashed within a week and the laptop decided to restore itself to factory settings, which nuked all my documents, pictures, etc. and wasted an entire work day. Last week I shut it down to leave the office and didn't realize it was going to install Windows updates. 142 of them. This was after being blown off for an important meeting late in the day and I just wanted to get home. Two hours later, the 142nd update finished and I got home just after 9 p.m.

I guess the point is, there's little I can do about any of this. What's going on with my body, my electronic devices, my husband's life-changing diet, my nose hair. It's all about surrendering to the whims of the Universe and moving forward. That, and never again letting a computer make updates before it shuts down. (stupid! stupid! stupid!)

That's life. Life is like a giant litter box. You can scoop out the shit every day but the very next day, you'll have all new shit to scoop, so stay ready. And have a waffle now & then.